Under the Tree - February

Well, it has been a really long time since I have blogged and today I literally spent the entire day reading blogs (and crying) and thinking about Cole and Breanna and their first angelversary which is fast approaching. At one point I came across a blog http://scarletriver26.blogspot.com/2009/02/tree.html created by another greiving mommy where she is trying to get mommies of angels together to share their thoughts and feelings. At the end of every month she posts some questions that everyone answers on their blog and to create a network of support. I think I'm going to try and do this every month so that I am sharing my thoughts and feelings regularly instead of just bottling it all up. So I'm two months behind and will start from the beginning with the February questions.

1) How long have you been blogging for? Why did you start? What do you want from writing?
I started blogging in May 2008 just after my twins Cole and Breanna were born premature and subsequently did not survive. I spent the first few weeks in utter shock and disbelief and spent my days surfing the web looking for ..... I don't know what.... but something to help me with my grief and get through this emense pain. I found several message boards for people that have had a loss and found comfort and support there. Soon after I realized that I wanted to keep a record of my journey and discovered blogging. Unforunately, as soon as I started back to work I no longer had the time or energy to continue writing. I always wanted to because I found it so helpful and healing to write out my feelings but I just didn't, which I totally regret because SOOO much has happened. Anyhow, recently as Cole and Breanna's 1st angelversary approaches I have been feeling overwhelming saddness and thus spent the entire day reverting back to the first days after they died, staring blankly at my computer, surfing the internet and looking for something.... again I don't know what but I'm hoping I have found it.

2) Where is safest place for you to share your feelings? Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling?
The best resource I found to share my feelings was the SHARE http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/ message board and chat room. But like my blog, once I was back at work I no longer had endless hours to surf and read people's messages. Instead I found some email lists for people that have suffered loss of mulitples called LAMBs. I read most of the emails but rarely respond. I also found several groups on Facebook that I have found helpful. But I have found the most comfort from meeting and getting to know actual people in my area that have also had a loss. Natasha, Jane, and Nicola have become my lifeline. They understand me and are willing to listen and I would do anything for them aswell.

3) Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in?
The first books I read were Empty Cradle, Broken Heart which Natasha lent me and Loving and Letting Go which Jane lent me. They both really helped me deal with my loss and some major issues I was dealing with especially when I hit a huge regret spiral 6 weeks after the loss. Another book I read more recently which I really liked was Second Chance by Jane Green. It's about a group of friends that deal with the sudden death of a friend. It had nothing to do with baby loss but for some reason it really helped me to see how other people deal with greif and that I was not going crazy.

4) How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby? How have you changed, who are you today?
I certainly was naive about pregnancy. I knew that I could miscarry in the 1st trimester, but after that I figured everything would be fine and especially after I passed the half way mark I never imagined that life could take such a dramtic turn for the worse. I had such a tough and long road of fertility treatments to get pregnant that I figured that once we passed that obsitcale we would be fine. I also was quite outgoing and an extrovert.
Now I would say that I am much more nervous and anxious about what the future holds for me. I avoid new people and most social situtations. The one positive is that I am certainly more compasionate towards others. I listen more and I realize now how painful losing someone, anyone that you love is. I am now much more determined to give back and help others. I am trying to start a memory box program in my area to help other's who experience a loss by giving them items to help them create and save memories with their baby. http://www.memory-boxes.webs.com/

5) How do you think you are coping? Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now? Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time?
I think I am coping okay.... although I had a major melt down at halloween and I had to be put on antidepressants. Since then was coping fairly well until this past week. As Cole and Breanna's 1st angelversary approaches I'm starting to feel more emotional and anxious of what the next few weeks have in store. I was hoping to be pregnant again by now but that is not the case. And to add insult to injury, several mommies of angels that I have met in person and through facebook and several other freinds and aquintances are pregnant and some have even had their babies. I am certainly happy for them but I really wish my time would come soon. I haven't reached the point of utter desperation and hopelessness that I experienced in October, but I certainly am starting to get frustrated. I feel like I have dealt with my loss and done my grieving and now I'm ready to move forward. Like my bog title says.... Life continues but we will never forget. So I'm ready for life to continue. Only time will tell.

1st week back to school

So I made it through my first week back to school/work from my mat leave/summer vacation relatively unscathed although I think I’m developing a split personality.

I should start off by explaining that my letter which I wanted to send out to staff before going back to school (see previous post) did not get sent out, well not to everyone. I ended up shortening it A LOT to just about 4 paragraphs and the lists of things to say and not to say. I knew that I should just send it out and not ask for approval from admin but I didn’t really follow my gut on that one and for some reason I sent a copy of my shortened letter to my VP who has been totally amazing and supportive way back from when I was even trying to get pregnant till now. I told her I was planning on sending the letter out by email and wondered if she could take a look at it and share her thoughts. The next day I checked my email to see 3 replies from her. Her first reply was very positive and supportive and basically said whatever would help me was what she wanted. The second reply was sent a few minutes later and said that the Principal wanted me to hold off on sending the letter for now. Then the final reply which was sent a few minutes later said that the principal wanted to deal with my letter through the department heads and have the information funnelled to the staff through them. I immediately sent a reply to both the VP and principal asking for a reason as to why they wanted to take this course of action and expressed my concerns with distributing my letter through this avenue. 3 days later I still had no reply and time was ticking. School was starting in a few days and I wanted people to have time to read the letter at their own leisure and not in the midst of the first day of school. I got totally stressed out and pissed off realizing that I was being ignored and that my letter was being brushed under the carpet or at least delayed so that by the time I was given a response it would be too late. I ended up calling the school’s union rep to see what could be done which was nothing. I was screwed. The principal had set out her agenda of what she wanted done and if I went against her plan I would suffer some serious consequences. So I finally called the VP at home who finally explained to me some cockamamie reason that the principal doesn’t want the letter going out because there are 18 new staff members that don’t know me and that my letter would be unnecessary for them. WTF? The only saving grace was that she had at least sent my letter to MY department head who thankfully sent it out to the math and business teachers (my department). I only found this out when one of the teachers in my department sent me an email saying that she appreciated the letter and wanted to know how I wanted to handle this issue with the students. After a few emails back and forth discussing how we have seen other sensitive issues being dealt with at schools we’ve been at, we agreed that honesty was probably best and more than likely the students would be too self involved to really notice or care. That’s teenagers for you.

So off to my first day I went, nervous and scared. As I got out of my car I saw a new teacher at my school also getting out of her. Funny enough I happen to know her from another school and she also did some supply teaching at our school last year when I was pregnant. So of course she looks at me surprised and says “Hey, what are you doing here, I thought you’d be on mat leave.” I was like is this really happening? I haven’t even set foot into the school yet. Anyhow, I replied with ‘I guess you didn’t hear what happened. They died.’ Shit I felt so bad for her. She was like ‘I’m so sorry. I just put my foot in my mouth. Yada yada yada.’ I put my sunglasses on, walked into the school and thought to myself ‘my life sucks!’ I spent the rest of the morning staff meeting wearing my sunglasses and avoiding making eye contact with anyone. I really wished then that people had gotten my letter. At least when people were trying to approach me I would have known that they were doing so with good intentions and knowing where my head was at. But instead when people looked at me, smiled and asked ‘how are ya?’ I was thinking ‘do they know? Do they remember? Are they asking out of general concern or was that just a polite hi?’ It was so awkward for me. I felt like I had to show them that I was still sad and was not ‘fine’ but then felt like people would think I’m so rude, moping around and ignoring people, giving half smiles and responding to the ‘how are ya’s?’ with “crappy”. I really didn’t know how to act.

This feeling continued as I walked into my first class. My homeform this semester is my grade 11 accounting class, thankfully my favourite subject to teach. As the kids filed in I was so torn. I wanted to show that I was still sad but I also knew that I had to start off the year with a positive tone so that the kids would like coming to class. As I looked around the room I saw many faces that I recognized having taught them in grade 9 and grade 10 the last 2 years. But at the same time realized that they probably wouldn’t have known what happened to me. Some of them might not have even known that I was pregnant seeing as I was only teaching grade 9 and 11 last year when I was pregnant and these kids would have all been in grade 10. By the end of the period I had lightened up my mood a bit realizing that these kids don’t know, don’t care and certainly are not going to ask about Cole and Breanna. After the bell rang a couple of students packed their bags more slowly and stayed behind to ask me something. I braced myself for what they might say but they were telling me that they were going to be absent the next day and next week, etc and wanted to know what they were going to miss. *sigh* As the day continued I developed a new personality, ‘the happy teacher.’ Who the hell was this person? I felt like I had never left and was right back in the swing of things. The rest of the week continued much the same way. I was this different person in class and then after class or in the hallways every time a student approached me I thought ‘okay, is this going to be the student that brings it up?’ and it wasn’t. They wanted to know about tennis, deca, grade 12 accounting, the accounting contest, or just tell me that they are in my class next semester, yippie! As I left on Friday I stopped in for a quick visit with Nicola, a co-worker that lost her baby in January and became close with over the past few months. We came to the realization that even the students that knew I was pregnant might not realize that I should be off this year because I left last year in April and they probably think that my twins are at home and that I’ve had my mat leave and have returned to work. Great, now I have to be on my toes in case some kid asks how my twins are doing. Oh I really wish I knew what they knew. But how do I find out without ‘spilling the beans’ so to speak.

As for the staff, I have done a really good job of avoiding everyone for an entire week. I’m still torn between feeling the need to show that I am sad, which I don’t really know how to do without being considered a complete bitch and feeling the need to be happy. I do enjoy life and still laugh, smile and have fun but I don’t want people to think that just because I’m laughing and smiling that I’m fine. I haven’t forgotten about Cole and Breanna and I don’t want them to forget either. Thankfully some of the members in my department have been amazing and really supportive. At lunch a few of us hang out in our department office while we eat our lunch and talk about different things like our classes, students, even our personal lives and my mentioning Cole and Breanna or all the crappy feelings, fears and crazy situations that arise because of them doesn’t make them uncomfortable. I really feel I have my letter to thank for that. In fact some of them even mentioned how much they appreciated my letter so that they knew what to say and how to help me.

For now I’m living and coping day by day. My new split personality is helping me get through teaching my classes and make the experience as untainted as possible for my students. But thankfully I know I have an outlet at lunch were I can be a bit more of myself. I feel like it’s okay to laugh in front of them at lunch because they know deep down that I haven’t forgotten and I know they haven’t forgotten either.

Caution: Grieving Mother - Enter at your own risk

Below is the draft of a letter that I am thinking of sending out by email to my coworkers to help make my transition back to work more manageable. I go back in just over a week and I'm scared about how I will react when people ask me how I am or when people pretend nothing happened. I hope that sending a letter will help others figure out what to say. Dug says (and I agree) that my letter is way too long and so I'm in the process of modifying and shortening it. My problem is that I feel like it is my only opportunity to get my thoughts across and I don't want to miss anything important. Anyhow, here it is.

Dear coworkers and friends,

With the start of the school year approaching I wanted to send out some information to help you and help me after the death of my twins, Cole and Breanna. In all the bereavement materials I have read (oh how I have read) it says to ‘let people know what you want and need. Friends and coworkers are uncomfortable and don’t know how to deal with such a situation and end up saying and doing things that are hurtful when they think they are being kind.’

First off you should know that my husband and I are proud parents of twin baby angels Cole and Breanna, and just like any proud parent we love to talk about our babies. In our eyes, they were perfect. Although they may not have joined our family in the way we expected, they are still a part of our lives. So before you can ask me ‘how my summer was’ I will share with you that it has been an emotional and difficult few months. Grieving their passing has been and still is difficult and always on my mind.

Below are some things you can do to help me:

Say Cole and Breanna’s names when you talk about them; they are real and it makes me feel good when others acknowledge that. Granted I may cry, not because you are opening an old wound or reminding me of something sad, but because you are showing me that you care and that means the world to me. The more you use their names and talk about them in natural conversation the less I will cry. Having said that, there is an appropriate time to talk about them and I prefer not to cry in front of my students.

Please be understanding that I may not be in complete control of my emotions all of the time and your understanding if I cry is greatly appreciated. From what I hear it will take several years to adjust to the loss of a child and learn how to incorporate it into my new life. I write this letter in hopes that you will know what I am thinking and feeling but please note that I am STILL grieving and therefore all advice in this letter I subject to change without notice!!

Realize that nothing is comparable to the loss of your child. I appreciate the sentiment if you say “I know what it’s like, I lost my parent/sibling/spouse/relative/best friend”. It shows me that you are TRYING to understand and that you are at least familiar with grief. But it is only helpful if you acknowledge that it is not the same as losing your child. They are your own flesh and blood and losing your children goes against the natural order of things. So unless you have lost a CHILD you really have no idea what it is like.

Saying that you understand what it’s like because you have had a miscarriage is bittersweet. I appreciate the effort you are making to understand what it is like to be in my shoes as long as you realize that I gave birth to two babies that were alive and subsequently died. NOTHING can compare to that. And FYI, I have also had a miscarriage so I know the difference and hopefully I will not have too many more on the road to creating a little brother or sister for Cole and Breanna.

Here is a list of things you can say if words escape you:
“You are in my thoughts”
“I can’t imagine what you are going through”
“I’m here for you if you want to talk”
“I don’t know what to say”
If all else fails a simple “I’m sorry” will do


Now let’s talk about the Don’ts:

Please don’t ignore me (ie leave the room when I come in or turn the other way when you see me coming down the hall) – I am not medusa. We don’t have to talk about them. If you are uncomfortable please just tell me. All you need to say is “I’m sorry but I am uncomfortable dealing with such a loss” and I will never mention them to you.

Please don’t tell me about miracles that have happened to premature babies that are alive and well. It does not help me to hear how modern medicine has made such advancements to save premature babies. They could not save my babies and I will forever be haunted by the thoughts of ‘what if’.

Please don’t tell me that I am young and will have other children. This is so painful on many levels. One, I’m actually not that young in terms of child bearing years. Two, there is no guarantee that I will have more children. It took us a year and a half of fertility treatments to have Cole and Breanna. And three, and most painful, is that even if I have more children nothing will ever replace Cole and Breanna. I will love them forever and they will always have a place in my life. Having another child will just mean that I will have to teach someone else, that never met Cole and Breanna, how important they were to me.

Please don’t say “At least you didn’t get to know them or get too attached”. I carried these babies for 6 months and wanted them for many years before that. I was attached from the second I peed on a stick. I felt them kick and could distinguish between their personalities in my womb. I knew them very well. In fact it’s worse that I didn’t have them for very long because I have no good memories to look back on, only what I had hoped for. The wonderful day they were born was also the horrible day they died.

Other things NOT to say are:
“You should be over it by now” – anyone who has lost someone significant in their life can attest to the fact that you NEVER get over it you just learn to live with it.
“It was for the best” or “it is gods will” or “meant to be” – Really that’s not helpful. For the best would be them being alive and with me right now.
“You need to find the bright side” – there is none.
“You need to get on with your life” – I have, it’s a different life, the life of a grieving mother

Here is a little poem I found that sums up my letter best.

You think that silence is kind but it hurts me even more.
I want to talk about my child who had gone through deaths door.
Don't say these things to me, although you do mean well.
They do not take my pain away; I must go through this hell.
I will get better, slow but sure -- and it helps to have you near.
But a simple, "I'm sorry you lost your child" is all I need to hear.
Author unknown

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter. I know how difficult and uncomfortable the thought of losing a child is. I appreciate your effort and all the support I have received so far.

Sincerely,
Audrey Hogarth
Proud mommy of twin angels Cole and Breanna

Due Date Balloon Release

Many people in the baby loss world have several dates that are significant to them regarding their baby. Most celebrate the day their baby was born which is also the day they died. May 3rd and May 4th will always be their special days. The days when my babies were born and became angels… as many in the baby loss world call ‘angelversary’. I know those will be difficult days in the coming years but I want to try and celebrate them…not think of it as the days they died but as the days they joined our family.

I often heard that the expected due date is also a day that people commemorate. I feel like I too want to commemorate that day but I’m struggling to find a date to pin down as their due date. Their official due date, when they would be 40 weeks, is August 30th although at one point it was August 28th. But we never really thought of that as anything significant because we were told that I would be induced at 38 weeks if I hadn’t already delivered them by then, which they expected. Dug and I knew they were going to be early, I was thinking they’d arrive mid to late July, because they were twins and I am so small, so we were getting everything ready. We had bought some preemie clothes and supplies. They were hard to find so whenever we saw them we picked them up thinking we’d rather be over prepared than running around at the last minute trying to find stuff to fit them and figured that if they were too big for the preemie clothes we would donate them to the NICU or multiples association.

So the problem is what day do we commemorate as their due date? I know I don’t need a day because I think of them and honour them everyday but I feel like I need something tangible to hang on to, focus my energy on so that my entire summer for the rest of my life is not a big empty vast space of grieving. I asked Dug what he thought and he had said “Well if you want the date that I expected them to arrive that would be July 15th”. I started to cry. It was already August. I missed it. I felt so awful. How could I have done nothing to commemorate their day?

A week later Natasha came to visit after her appointment with Dr. Donahoe (the psychologist we are both seeing) and she mentioned that Dr. Donahoe asked her if she was going to do anything for Henry’s expected due date, which happens to be August 30th as well. I shared with her that I was so sad because I felt like I had missed the day that we expected them and then gave her ideas as to what people on the message boards had done such as butterfly releases, balloon releases, going to their grave, or just doing something special.

That weekend I went to the store to get some balloons blown up for my friend Amy’s shower. There I saw balloons with Winnie-the-pooh and Eeyore on them. They were so cute and thought to myself ‘those would be great for a balloon release for Cole and Breanna.’ As I drove to Amy’s mom’s house for the shower I started getting emotional, for seemingly no reason (not that it’s that unusual nowadays) but then I thought about it and realized the date. It was August 16th… Cole and Breanna would have been 38 weeks today. I would have been induced today!!! That’s it, today is the day. I figured when I get home from the shower I’ll pick up those balloons and we’ll do a balloon release. I suddenly felt much better. But then I got worried about what if the store closes, so I called Dug and told him my idea and asked him to pick up the balloons while I was at the shower so that we’d have them ready.

Just before the shower started my friend Becky surprised me with the most amazing gift. She had gotten two stars in the Taurus constellation named after Cole and Breanna. I was so touched by such a thoughtful gesture. And it made the day just that much more special to commemorate Cole and Breanna. I knew this was perfect!

When I got home from the shower Dug had the helium balloons ready and we drove to the cemetery. We pulled out our blanket that we keep in Dug’s trunk for when we have picnics at the cemetery with the kids. We sat down and read the information packages that came with the Stars that Becky had gotten named after Cole and Breanna that she had given to me earlier that day. We told Cole and Breanna all about their stars. Then we wrote messages on their balloons took some pictures and released them. It was so windy, they just took off. Dug had tied the two balloons together so they flew away together. Dug and I stood there, holding each other, watching the balloons until they got so high and so small that we could no longer see them. It was perfect!! The weather was perfect and the sky was clear, which is really amazing because this summer has been so rainy and cloudy. Becky’s gift was perfectly timed and to top it all off we were leaving the next day for 2 weeks in Florida. I was so relieved to have done something special that day to commemorate them and the date had significance. It may not be when we expected them or when they actually came but it was the last possible day for them to have been born and I’m thankful that we did something for that.

Starting a new blog

I've decided to move the location of my blog to here. I started a blog (well more like a collection of essays) back in May after my twins Cole and Breanna passed away. I have found it helpful to sort out my thoughts and theraputic in that it lets me get stuff off my chest. My hope is that I will be able to look back on what I have written and see how far I have come in my grieving. I originally started my blog at WTE (http://www.whattoexpect.com/blogs/dealingwiththelossmytwins/default.aspx) since I was there already on the message boards during my pregnancy and it was one of the first grief and loss message boards I found after they passed away. But I have since realized that there are some problems and limitations with their blog site. First off, it was driving me crazy everytime I went on there to see pictures and advertisements for babies. Second, they added a word limit which was really annoying because the entire point of this is to help me deal with issues and I can't do that if I have to limit what I write. And third, is that I could not post pictures which I love. So here I am starting this new blog and thinking I should probably move all of my old posts here. Oh boy, what a chore!

I Hate Doctors

So I have come to the realization that I officially hate doctors. I don’t know why I had put them on this pedestal as ‘those in the know’ when really they know nothing and care about less. Basically through this experience I have found them to be totally insensitive and it sucks. After losing Cole and Breanna I have been to see my fertility doctor, my high risk clinic OB and my GP and none of them can explain why this happened or have even touched me to try and find out why. No ultrasounds, no pap, no checking my cervix, not even a physical...nothing!!!

I didn’t expect much from the fertility doc and he basically said what I figured he would say…. “We’ll see you when you are ready to start trying again.” I thought my OB would have been more hands on but he said there was nothing they know of that caused my water breaking early and it was probably an infection that made Cole come and Breanna just followed. The only information that I got as a type of possible explanation is that my uterus maybe didn't grow fast enough causing Cole's water to break and that it probably wouldn’t have happened if it was a singleton pregnancy. That's it. No tests to follow up or anything. I was shocked. How could they just shrug my loss off like that?

I started wondering ‘what was the point of being registered at the high risk clinic during my pregnancy?’ I had appointments every few weeks but they didn’t do anything. Even under their supervision I still lost Cole and Breanna and they have no explanation for it. I mean what do they DO there other than waste my time? And after my water broke all they would say EVERYDAY was “We’ll just have to wait and see”. Well I waited and saw my babies being born premature and die. How can they not stop that from happening? The OB just shoved us out the door and said ‘we’ll see you when you are pregnant again’. Arggg, I hate that hospital!It’s a baby making factory so if you’re not pregnant they really don’t have time for you.

So I figured my GP would be my best ally in getting to the bottom of this but when I was telling him about how upset I was that no one was checking me or interested in finding out why this happened he responded with "miscarriages happen". Holy shit, did he just call Cole and Breanna a MISCARRIAGE…ARGGGGG! I was so pissed and said "I really hate that you said that... it was not a miscarriage... I gave birth to 2 live babies." He interjected with "but they were preterm" and then went on to say all the things it says in all the pamphlets NOT to say to a grieving parent... like, "you need to move on", "you will get pregnant again", "think of the all the other people that have it worse." Basically have another baby and forget about it!!!! Dug even remembers him referring to what happened as an abortion… wtf? ABORTION… is he asking for a kick in the head? All I was thinking was what kind of f*cking *ss doctor is he?Does he really have a medical degree? I left his office furious and thinking I'm writing this idiot a really nasty letter with a picture of Cole and Breanna saying does this look like a f*cking miscarriage and include a brochure from BFO about what NOT to say to a grieving parent. But… I need to make sure I can find a new doctor first.

So Dug has a friend at work that also had a baby loss a few years ago and suggested that we see his wife’s doctor. She wasn’t really taking new patients but said she’d meet me and consider it. Well when we went to see her we basically got the same shitty insensitive response. She basically said ‘have another baby and you will get over it.’ I was like ‘oh my god, is it possible that I am just crazy?’ I left her office so upset and really starting to doubt myself and all that I have been doing to work through my grief. Have I been wrong? Should be trying to forget what happened? It feels so wrong to ‘forget about it’ and I don’t think I can possibly ‘get over it’. They were my babies, a part of me, a part of my life. I guess they just don’t ‘get it’. I figured because they are doctors they should know and understand but they don’t. I don’t know why I thought they would because really unless you have experienced a perinatal loss you can never understand.

So now I am stuck. We are approaching 3 months since we lost Cole and Breanna and I’m scared it’s too late to find out why this all happened. I don’t want to get pregnant again just to have it happen again and then realize that if they had just run some tests the first time they would have been able to prevent another loss. I keep ‘meeting’ people that have had a preterm baby loss due to incompetent cervix and they say that all they need is a stitch after the first trimester and everything should be fine. What if I need that? Or what if it’s something else just a simple to ‘fix’ but we won’t know because we didn’t check. I’m so scared to try again without knowing why this happened. Help!

Sharing my babies

I was struggling with an issue and I thought I’d write about it to help me sort out my thoughts again. The problem is that I’ve been so scared to put anything on Facebook regarding losing Cole and Breanna mostly because I never even posted that I was pregnant and thought I would really freak people out if I did. Like “Hi, yes I know you didn’t even know I was pregnant but now they’re dead… have a nice day”. People would thing I was crazy. Plus, everyone else that was pregnant was posting status updates as well as belly and ultrasound pics and for some reason I didn’t. I barely told anyone. I’ve been having a hard time trying to figure out why.

I guess one reason was that I was in denial. In fact for the entire 1st trimester I was in denial. I don’t know how I could have been in denial because I was so nauseous and fatigued the entire time, it’s not like my body wasn’t screaming “I’M PREGNANT!!” but I still was so apprehensive. I thought it was because I had an early pregnancy loss last year and when I made it through the 1st trimester this time I did feel a bit better but I still didn’t really tell anyone.

Another reason I guess was because I was so sick and exhausted (normal pregnancy sick and exhausted) and I wanted to be feeling good and happy when I told people not nauseous and miserable. I was waiting for that pregnancy glow… but it never happened. I remember the first, and one of the only times, I went out with friends when I was pregnant. I was so scared to tell them over lunch that I was pregnant for fear that I was jinxing myself. Dug and I sat across from each other and he was like “are you going to tell them” and I was like “you tell them” and they finally were like “tell us what” so Dug had to announce it. I couldn’t believe it but I actually cried. They were so happy and I was so scared and so not feeling like I wanted to be feeling that I cried. I felt so stupid. I wanted to be healthy and happy when I told people…not miss grouchy pants but the pregnancy hormones were wearing me down I felt awful.

But probably the biggest reason for not telling people was that I was just so scared that if something went wrong I would be so devastated. How would I deal with it and all of these people knowing? I thought it would be easier if I just didn’t tell anyone. Like I was protecting myself from getting too excited and that would stop me from getting attached. But that is just so ridiculous. I was excited and I was attached. From the very second I peed on a stick I was attached. But now that something did go wrong I can't believe how much I wish I had told people so that they would know how much my babies meant to me and I could get their support and understanding. Funny how I was trying to protect myself and now I hurt so much more because I feel guilty and stupid for not telling everyone, like I was trying to hide them. The fact that I didn’t tell people makes it so much harder now to announce that I lost them and that I don’t want to hide them.

(** Note: this is in reference to my old blog site and therefore this was seperated into two posts: Okay so in addition to this blog website being down forever so that I couldn't post anything.... now they have also added a word limit. Probably because people like me ramble on forever. lol. Anyhow, I'll continue....)

I should probably explain for those that don’t know, Facebook is a networking website that EVERYONE around where I live is on. People post pictures, videos, comments, and status updates of what they are doing, join groups, announce events etc. It’s the ultimate way to find out what your “friends”, current and those from a previous life (eg elementary school, camp, etc), are up to. I was on it before I got pregnant and would sometimes spend hours searching for people I know and surfing through friends pages, and friends of friends, friends of friends of friends… eventually looking at pages of people that I had no idea how I got there. I was never really a status updater but I posted pics and wrote on walls, etc. Now that I have lost Cole and Breanna, Facebook has become an amazing tool in helping me meet and connect with others that have had a similar loss and I am on it all of the time, especially since I’m on mat leave and really have nothing else to do. I have joined baby loss groups, become friends with other people that have had a loss, joined their groups in memory of their babies, viewed pictures and videos of their babies and use it daily to keep in touch with my new friends.

So, about a month ago, following the lead of my new friends, I got up the nerve to write something about Cole and Breanna on Facebook for the first time. I had posted a status update about missing them. I posted it after midnight and tossed and turned all night (as usual, I never really get a good sleep anymore) and woke up early the next morning and had to remove my status. I guess I just wasn’t ready … for what I don’t know… but I wasn’t ready. But since then I slowly started adding them to my page. First in round about ways; creating a group for Peek-a-poohs which I have been collecting because they remind me of them, then posting a poem I found which so eloquently described how I felt. I now I have applications that refer to them and written status updates about how I feel.

My new friends have all been extremely supportive and some of my best friends that I have known for years and know about Cole and Breanna have also written me amazing and supportive messages. But, now I’m starting to get messages from people that didn’t know that I was pregnant in reference to what I have posted. I figured this would happen and I’m slowing trying to figure out how to respond. I want to be sensitive to other people’s feelings and especially not freak out anyone that is currently pregnant but I have come to the point where I don’t care. I love my babies and miss them soooo much, I can’t pretend they don’t exist. They have had a major impact on my life and I want to share them with the world. It hurts too much to bottle it up and not show how much they meant to me.

I was so happy when one night over dinner Dug said the same thing. He was telling me that he wished people would ask about Cole and Breanna and that he could talk about them. He wants to show their picture to people and wonders why no one asks to see it but is afraid to just pull it out and say “want to see a picture of my dead babies?” I’ve come to the realization that we are proud parents of beautiful twins and just like any parent, we love to talk about our kids but unfortunately they don’t do anything new so there is nothing to talk about.