Under the Tree - April

1) How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?
Next weeked will mark the one year angelversary of my twins Cole and Breanna. Cole was born on May 3rd 2008 and passed away almost 3 hours later. Breanna was born on May 4th 2008 and passed away almost 30 minutes later. As their one year appraoches I certainly find myslef much more emotional but certainly leaps and bounds from where I was a year ago and even 6 months ago. This is most likely a result of the antidepressants I was put on after my melt-down at Halloween. As their 6 month anniversary approached I felt this overwhleming sense of hopelessness and I just could not and did not want to endure the agony of greif any longer. I worried that I would feel like this forever and that the pain would never go away. So I finally seeked medical help and have felt like I am dealing much better now. I hope that with time I will be able to come off the antidepressants and that the overwhelming pain and heart ache will subside. Part of me really feels that once I have another child that I get to take home, care for and raise, I will feel more at peace. No one will ever replace Cole and Breanna but I believe that having a child in the family will bring some joy into my life.

2) How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?
Wow... that is quite the difficult question to answer since for me it changes as time passes and also changes based on my mood and even changes based on who the person is. I'll start off by saying that in most circumstances when I see pregnant women or babies, especially twins, it's like a train wreck that I cannot take my eyes off. I know I don't want to look and see but I'm just fascinated and can't stop starring. I used to get sad when I saw little babies but now I feel more like I did before my loss, a little bit of "oh so cute" joy and a little bit of jelousy (like when am I finally going to have a baby). Although, I still have not actually spent any length of time with or even held a baby since my loss. I have this incredible desire to hold a baby but I know that I will just break down and cry and I feel bad doing that with someone else's baby and having them feel uncomfortable.
As for pregnant women... they seem to be ALL around me right now. Just about every week I find out that someone else is preggers. For the ones that have also had a loss or have been supportive of my loss, I am so happy for them but also a bit nervous because I don't want them to suffer any more pain and loss. For random aquintances that naively flaunt their pregnancy and symptoms, I awe at them and wonder how people can be so oblivious of all the awful and terrible things that could happen and that there are NO gaurantees. I cringe when I hear them say things that assume a happy ending. I know, and hope, that nothing will go wrong because odds are everything will be fine, but I wonder how they can be so blind. After all the pain that I have gone through how can they be so confident that it can never happen to them. Towards strangers that I see around I worry for them that something could go wrong and they might lose the baby and I wonder if they will know what to do in those precious few hours that they have with their baby and whether they will know where to get support from.

3) What's your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?
I would have to say that my saving grace has been other people that I have met that have also suffered a loss. In particular Jane, Nat, and Nicola have been my biggest form of therapy to just talk about the day to day ups and downs. I met them all early in my greiving and I really don't think I would be doing as well if I didn't have them. I also went to groups (where I met Nat and Jane) and found lots of websites/message boards full of supportive people that have had a loss. I also have been a psycologist, Dr. Donohoe, who is fabulous and keeps me sain about what people that have not have a loss are thinking. I'm so thankful to have been seeing him once or twice a month and especially when I had an emotional breakdown in October. I immediatly went to him and he directed me to the help I ultimately needed, antidepressants, my best therapy!!

To participate in Under the Tree go to http://scarletriver26.blogspot.com/2009/02/tree.html

Under the Tree - March

I am trying to catch up on my responses to Under the Tree so here we go for March.

1) Do you have a special place in your home for your baby/ies? What is it like? Do you have any rituals that you perform in memory of your baby/ies?
The first place of rememberenace where I think about and feel close to my babies is at the cemetary. We don't have a grave stone yet but a wonderful friend of mine, Jane, made two stones with Cole and Breanna's names and we have placed them there. During the months following their deaths my husband and I would go weekly to visit and sometimes bring a blanket and have a little family picnic there. But then winter came and we haven't done that in a while. I hope that we restart that again now that the weather is nicer.
Another special place of rememberance is a garden box my husband and I built and planted some beautiful flowers in last summer in our backyard. I just finished planting some new flowers today and look forward to seeing them grow. Purple and yellow flowers seem to be the most prominent colours which represent Winnie the Pooh and Eeyore.
As for rituals the one that comes to mind right now is my obsession with anything Winnie the Pooh and Eeyore. We had decorated their room with a Winnie the Pooh theme and then the day before their burial we went out and bought them some gifts to be buried with and we were drawn to these Winnie the pooh and Eeyore stuffed animals, and now it has become our symbol for them. Soon after their passing I discoverd Peek a Poohs, cute little Winnie the Pooh charms with interchangeable costumes, and now my collection is huge!

2) If you believe in an afterlife, do you receive signs from your baby/ies? Have you ever felt their pressence? Do you find them in nature? Do they visit you in your dreams?
I really wish they would visit me in my dreams but I have not gotten much sleep in the past year so it has not happened yet. One thing we did do a few months after they died was that we saw a psychic. I just needed to know that they were alright and the psychic put my mind at ease. Although nothing she said has come true (I was supposed to get pregnant really soon), it helped at the time and it was what I needed then and I'm very glad we did it.
As for finding them in nature.... I often think of Cole when I see butteflies. They flutter about all curious like and checking out the world much like how I feel about Cole. He was so eager to get out and see what the world had to offer. It brings a smile to my face whenever I see a butterfly but then I feel guilty because I feel like I'm only focussing on Cole and leaving Breanna out. (This has been a huge issue I have been struggling with for months and it warrants its own blog post some day.)

3) Do you have a special poem, song, prayer or quote in memory of your baby/ies?
I find music so powerful in guiding my emotions and have found several songs that I connect with and express how I feel. But I have two songs in particular that remind me of my babies.
Even before I was pregnant I remember listening to the song Childhood dreams by Nelly Furtado and could not wait to have a son, a "little boy made for me in the stars". Cole was that little boy made for me in the stars and whenever I here this song I think of him.
Breanna's song is completely different. When she was born I could not believe how absolutley adorable she was, like a little china doll. As I held her tight I sang to her quietly You are so beautiful to me, and that song will always be Breanna's song for me.


To participate in Under the Tree go to http://scarletriver26.blogspot.com/2009/02/tree.html

Under the Tree - February

Well, it has been a really long time since I have blogged and today I literally spent the entire day reading blogs (and crying) and thinking about Cole and Breanna and their first angelversary which is fast approaching. At one point I came across a blog http://scarletriver26.blogspot.com/2009/02/tree.html created by another greiving mommy where she is trying to get mommies of angels together to share their thoughts and feelings. At the end of every month she posts some questions that everyone answers on their blog and to create a network of support. I think I'm going to try and do this every month so that I am sharing my thoughts and feelings regularly instead of just bottling it all up. So I'm two months behind and will start from the beginning with the February questions.

1) How long have you been blogging for? Why did you start? What do you want from writing?
I started blogging in May 2008 just after my twins Cole and Breanna were born premature and subsequently did not survive. I spent the first few weeks in utter shock and disbelief and spent my days surfing the web looking for ..... I don't know what.... but something to help me with my grief and get through this emense pain. I found several message boards for people that have had a loss and found comfort and support there. Soon after I realized that I wanted to keep a record of my journey and discovered blogging. Unforunately, as soon as I started back to work I no longer had the time or energy to continue writing. I always wanted to because I found it so helpful and healing to write out my feelings but I just didn't, which I totally regret because SOOO much has happened. Anyhow, recently as Cole and Breanna's 1st angelversary approaches I have been feeling overwhelming saddness and thus spent the entire day reverting back to the first days after they died, staring blankly at my computer, surfing the internet and looking for something.... again I don't know what but I'm hoping I have found it.

2) Where is safest place for you to share your feelings? Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling?
The best resource I found to share my feelings was the SHARE http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/ message board and chat room. But like my blog, once I was back at work I no longer had endless hours to surf and read people's messages. Instead I found some email lists for people that have suffered loss of mulitples called LAMBs. I read most of the emails but rarely respond. I also found several groups on Facebook that I have found helpful. But I have found the most comfort from meeting and getting to know actual people in my area that have also had a loss. Natasha, Jane, and Nicola have become my lifeline. They understand me and are willing to listen and I would do anything for them aswell.

3) Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in?
The first books I read were Empty Cradle, Broken Heart which Natasha lent me and Loving and Letting Go which Jane lent me. They both really helped me deal with my loss and some major issues I was dealing with especially when I hit a huge regret spiral 6 weeks after the loss. Another book I read more recently which I really liked was Second Chance by Jane Green. It's about a group of friends that deal with the sudden death of a friend. It had nothing to do with baby loss but for some reason it really helped me to see how other people deal with greif and that I was not going crazy.

4) How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby? How have you changed, who are you today?
I certainly was naive about pregnancy. I knew that I could miscarry in the 1st trimester, but after that I figured everything would be fine and especially after I passed the half way mark I never imagined that life could take such a dramtic turn for the worse. I had such a tough and long road of fertility treatments to get pregnant that I figured that once we passed that obsitcale we would be fine. I also was quite outgoing and an extrovert.
Now I would say that I am much more nervous and anxious about what the future holds for me. I avoid new people and most social situtations. The one positive is that I am certainly more compasionate towards others. I listen more and I realize now how painful losing someone, anyone that you love is. I am now much more determined to give back and help others. I am trying to start a memory box program in my area to help other's who experience a loss by giving them items to help them create and save memories with their baby. http://www.memory-boxes.webs.com/

5) How do you think you are coping? Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now? Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time?
I think I am coping okay.... although I had a major melt down at halloween and I had to be put on antidepressants. Since then was coping fairly well until this past week. As Cole and Breanna's 1st angelversary approaches I'm starting to feel more emotional and anxious of what the next few weeks have in store. I was hoping to be pregnant again by now but that is not the case. And to add insult to injury, several mommies of angels that I have met in person and through facebook and several other freinds and aquintances are pregnant and some have even had their babies. I am certainly happy for them but I really wish my time would come soon. I haven't reached the point of utter desperation and hopelessness that I experienced in October, but I certainly am starting to get frustrated. I feel like I have dealt with my loss and done my grieving and now I'm ready to move forward. Like my bog title says.... Life continues but we will never forget. So I'm ready for life to continue. Only time will tell.

1st week back to school

So I made it through my first week back to school/work from my mat leave/summer vacation relatively unscathed although I think I’m developing a split personality.

I should start off by explaining that my letter which I wanted to send out to staff before going back to school (see previous post) did not get sent out, well not to everyone. I ended up shortening it A LOT to just about 4 paragraphs and the lists of things to say and not to say. I knew that I should just send it out and not ask for approval from admin but I didn’t really follow my gut on that one and for some reason I sent a copy of my shortened letter to my VP who has been totally amazing and supportive way back from when I was even trying to get pregnant till now. I told her I was planning on sending the letter out by email and wondered if she could take a look at it and share her thoughts. The next day I checked my email to see 3 replies from her. Her first reply was very positive and supportive and basically said whatever would help me was what she wanted. The second reply was sent a few minutes later and said that the Principal wanted me to hold off on sending the letter for now. Then the final reply which was sent a few minutes later said that the principal wanted to deal with my letter through the department heads and have the information funnelled to the staff through them. I immediately sent a reply to both the VP and principal asking for a reason as to why they wanted to take this course of action and expressed my concerns with distributing my letter through this avenue. 3 days later I still had no reply and time was ticking. School was starting in a few days and I wanted people to have time to read the letter at their own leisure and not in the midst of the first day of school. I got totally stressed out and pissed off realizing that I was being ignored and that my letter was being brushed under the carpet or at least delayed so that by the time I was given a response it would be too late. I ended up calling the school’s union rep to see what could be done which was nothing. I was screwed. The principal had set out her agenda of what she wanted done and if I went against her plan I would suffer some serious consequences. So I finally called the VP at home who finally explained to me some cockamamie reason that the principal doesn’t want the letter going out because there are 18 new staff members that don’t know me and that my letter would be unnecessary for them. WTF? The only saving grace was that she had at least sent my letter to MY department head who thankfully sent it out to the math and business teachers (my department). I only found this out when one of the teachers in my department sent me an email saying that she appreciated the letter and wanted to know how I wanted to handle this issue with the students. After a few emails back and forth discussing how we have seen other sensitive issues being dealt with at schools we’ve been at, we agreed that honesty was probably best and more than likely the students would be too self involved to really notice or care. That’s teenagers for you.

So off to my first day I went, nervous and scared. As I got out of my car I saw a new teacher at my school also getting out of her. Funny enough I happen to know her from another school and she also did some supply teaching at our school last year when I was pregnant. So of course she looks at me surprised and says “Hey, what are you doing here, I thought you’d be on mat leave.” I was like is this really happening? I haven’t even set foot into the school yet. Anyhow, I replied with ‘I guess you didn’t hear what happened. They died.’ Shit I felt so bad for her. She was like ‘I’m so sorry. I just put my foot in my mouth. Yada yada yada.’ I put my sunglasses on, walked into the school and thought to myself ‘my life sucks!’ I spent the rest of the morning staff meeting wearing my sunglasses and avoiding making eye contact with anyone. I really wished then that people had gotten my letter. At least when people were trying to approach me I would have known that they were doing so with good intentions and knowing where my head was at. But instead when people looked at me, smiled and asked ‘how are ya?’ I was thinking ‘do they know? Do they remember? Are they asking out of general concern or was that just a polite hi?’ It was so awkward for me. I felt like I had to show them that I was still sad and was not ‘fine’ but then felt like people would think I’m so rude, moping around and ignoring people, giving half smiles and responding to the ‘how are ya’s?’ with “crappy”. I really didn’t know how to act.

This feeling continued as I walked into my first class. My homeform this semester is my grade 11 accounting class, thankfully my favourite subject to teach. As the kids filed in I was so torn. I wanted to show that I was still sad but I also knew that I had to start off the year with a positive tone so that the kids would like coming to class. As I looked around the room I saw many faces that I recognized having taught them in grade 9 and grade 10 the last 2 years. But at the same time realized that they probably wouldn’t have known what happened to me. Some of them might not have even known that I was pregnant seeing as I was only teaching grade 9 and 11 last year when I was pregnant and these kids would have all been in grade 10. By the end of the period I had lightened up my mood a bit realizing that these kids don’t know, don’t care and certainly are not going to ask about Cole and Breanna. After the bell rang a couple of students packed their bags more slowly and stayed behind to ask me something. I braced myself for what they might say but they were telling me that they were going to be absent the next day and next week, etc and wanted to know what they were going to miss. *sigh* As the day continued I developed a new personality, ‘the happy teacher.’ Who the hell was this person? I felt like I had never left and was right back in the swing of things. The rest of the week continued much the same way. I was this different person in class and then after class or in the hallways every time a student approached me I thought ‘okay, is this going to be the student that brings it up?’ and it wasn’t. They wanted to know about tennis, deca, grade 12 accounting, the accounting contest, or just tell me that they are in my class next semester, yippie! As I left on Friday I stopped in for a quick visit with Nicola, a co-worker that lost her baby in January and became close with over the past few months. We came to the realization that even the students that knew I was pregnant might not realize that I should be off this year because I left last year in April and they probably think that my twins are at home and that I’ve had my mat leave and have returned to work. Great, now I have to be on my toes in case some kid asks how my twins are doing. Oh I really wish I knew what they knew. But how do I find out without ‘spilling the beans’ so to speak.

As for the staff, I have done a really good job of avoiding everyone for an entire week. I’m still torn between feeling the need to show that I am sad, which I don’t really know how to do without being considered a complete bitch and feeling the need to be happy. I do enjoy life and still laugh, smile and have fun but I don’t want people to think that just because I’m laughing and smiling that I’m fine. I haven’t forgotten about Cole and Breanna and I don’t want them to forget either. Thankfully some of the members in my department have been amazing and really supportive. At lunch a few of us hang out in our department office while we eat our lunch and talk about different things like our classes, students, even our personal lives and my mentioning Cole and Breanna or all the crappy feelings, fears and crazy situations that arise because of them doesn’t make them uncomfortable. I really feel I have my letter to thank for that. In fact some of them even mentioned how much they appreciated my letter so that they knew what to say and how to help me.

For now I’m living and coping day by day. My new split personality is helping me get through teaching my classes and make the experience as untainted as possible for my students. But thankfully I know I have an outlet at lunch were I can be a bit more of myself. I feel like it’s okay to laugh in front of them at lunch because they know deep down that I haven’t forgotten and I know they haven’t forgotten either.

Caution: Grieving Mother - Enter at your own risk

Below is the draft of a letter that I am thinking of sending out by email to my coworkers to help make my transition back to work more manageable. I go back in just over a week and I'm scared about how I will react when people ask me how I am or when people pretend nothing happened. I hope that sending a letter will help others figure out what to say. Dug says (and I agree) that my letter is way too long and so I'm in the process of modifying and shortening it. My problem is that I feel like it is my only opportunity to get my thoughts across and I don't want to miss anything important. Anyhow, here it is.

Dear coworkers and friends,

With the start of the school year approaching I wanted to send out some information to help you and help me after the death of my twins, Cole and Breanna. In all the bereavement materials I have read (oh how I have read) it says to ‘let people know what you want and need. Friends and coworkers are uncomfortable and don’t know how to deal with such a situation and end up saying and doing things that are hurtful when they think they are being kind.’

First off you should know that my husband and I are proud parents of twin baby angels Cole and Breanna, and just like any proud parent we love to talk about our babies. In our eyes, they were perfect. Although they may not have joined our family in the way we expected, they are still a part of our lives. So before you can ask me ‘how my summer was’ I will share with you that it has been an emotional and difficult few months. Grieving their passing has been and still is difficult and always on my mind.

Below are some things you can do to help me:

Say Cole and Breanna’s names when you talk about them; they are real and it makes me feel good when others acknowledge that. Granted I may cry, not because you are opening an old wound or reminding me of something sad, but because you are showing me that you care and that means the world to me. The more you use their names and talk about them in natural conversation the less I will cry. Having said that, there is an appropriate time to talk about them and I prefer not to cry in front of my students.

Please be understanding that I may not be in complete control of my emotions all of the time and your understanding if I cry is greatly appreciated. From what I hear it will take several years to adjust to the loss of a child and learn how to incorporate it into my new life. I write this letter in hopes that you will know what I am thinking and feeling but please note that I am STILL grieving and therefore all advice in this letter I subject to change without notice!!

Realize that nothing is comparable to the loss of your child. I appreciate the sentiment if you say “I know what it’s like, I lost my parent/sibling/spouse/relative/best friend”. It shows me that you are TRYING to understand and that you are at least familiar with grief. But it is only helpful if you acknowledge that it is not the same as losing your child. They are your own flesh and blood and losing your children goes against the natural order of things. So unless you have lost a CHILD you really have no idea what it is like.

Saying that you understand what it’s like because you have had a miscarriage is bittersweet. I appreciate the effort you are making to understand what it is like to be in my shoes as long as you realize that I gave birth to two babies that were alive and subsequently died. NOTHING can compare to that. And FYI, I have also had a miscarriage so I know the difference and hopefully I will not have too many more on the road to creating a little brother or sister for Cole and Breanna.

Here is a list of things you can say if words escape you:
“You are in my thoughts”
“I can’t imagine what you are going through”
“I’m here for you if you want to talk”
“I don’t know what to say”
If all else fails a simple “I’m sorry” will do


Now let’s talk about the Don’ts:

Please don’t ignore me (ie leave the room when I come in or turn the other way when you see me coming down the hall) – I am not medusa. We don’t have to talk about them. If you are uncomfortable please just tell me. All you need to say is “I’m sorry but I am uncomfortable dealing with such a loss” and I will never mention them to you.

Please don’t tell me about miracles that have happened to premature babies that are alive and well. It does not help me to hear how modern medicine has made such advancements to save premature babies. They could not save my babies and I will forever be haunted by the thoughts of ‘what if’.

Please don’t tell me that I am young and will have other children. This is so painful on many levels. One, I’m actually not that young in terms of child bearing years. Two, there is no guarantee that I will have more children. It took us a year and a half of fertility treatments to have Cole and Breanna. And three, and most painful, is that even if I have more children nothing will ever replace Cole and Breanna. I will love them forever and they will always have a place in my life. Having another child will just mean that I will have to teach someone else, that never met Cole and Breanna, how important they were to me.

Please don’t say “At least you didn’t get to know them or get too attached”. I carried these babies for 6 months and wanted them for many years before that. I was attached from the second I peed on a stick. I felt them kick and could distinguish between their personalities in my womb. I knew them very well. In fact it’s worse that I didn’t have them for very long because I have no good memories to look back on, only what I had hoped for. The wonderful day they were born was also the horrible day they died.

Other things NOT to say are:
“You should be over it by now” – anyone who has lost someone significant in their life can attest to the fact that you NEVER get over it you just learn to live with it.
“It was for the best” or “it is gods will” or “meant to be” – Really that’s not helpful. For the best would be them being alive and with me right now.
“You need to find the bright side” – there is none.
“You need to get on with your life” – I have, it’s a different life, the life of a grieving mother

Here is a little poem I found that sums up my letter best.

You think that silence is kind but it hurts me even more.
I want to talk about my child who had gone through deaths door.
Don't say these things to me, although you do mean well.
They do not take my pain away; I must go through this hell.
I will get better, slow but sure -- and it helps to have you near.
But a simple, "I'm sorry you lost your child" is all I need to hear.
Author unknown

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter. I know how difficult and uncomfortable the thought of losing a child is. I appreciate your effort and all the support I have received so far.

Sincerely,
Audrey Hogarth
Proud mommy of twin angels Cole and Breanna

Due Date Balloon Release

Many people in the baby loss world have several dates that are significant to them regarding their baby. Most celebrate the day their baby was born which is also the day they died. May 3rd and May 4th will always be their special days. The days when my babies were born and became angels… as many in the baby loss world call ‘angelversary’. I know those will be difficult days in the coming years but I want to try and celebrate them…not think of it as the days they died but as the days they joined our family.

I often heard that the expected due date is also a day that people commemorate. I feel like I too want to commemorate that day but I’m struggling to find a date to pin down as their due date. Their official due date, when they would be 40 weeks, is August 30th although at one point it was August 28th. But we never really thought of that as anything significant because we were told that I would be induced at 38 weeks if I hadn’t already delivered them by then, which they expected. Dug and I knew they were going to be early, I was thinking they’d arrive mid to late July, because they were twins and I am so small, so we were getting everything ready. We had bought some preemie clothes and supplies. They were hard to find so whenever we saw them we picked them up thinking we’d rather be over prepared than running around at the last minute trying to find stuff to fit them and figured that if they were too big for the preemie clothes we would donate them to the NICU or multiples association.

So the problem is what day do we commemorate as their due date? I know I don’t need a day because I think of them and honour them everyday but I feel like I need something tangible to hang on to, focus my energy on so that my entire summer for the rest of my life is not a big empty vast space of grieving. I asked Dug what he thought and he had said “Well if you want the date that I expected them to arrive that would be July 15th”. I started to cry. It was already August. I missed it. I felt so awful. How could I have done nothing to commemorate their day?

A week later Natasha came to visit after her appointment with Dr. Donahoe (the psychologist we are both seeing) and she mentioned that Dr. Donahoe asked her if she was going to do anything for Henry’s expected due date, which happens to be August 30th as well. I shared with her that I was so sad because I felt like I had missed the day that we expected them and then gave her ideas as to what people on the message boards had done such as butterfly releases, balloon releases, going to their grave, or just doing something special.

That weekend I went to the store to get some balloons blown up for my friend Amy’s shower. There I saw balloons with Winnie-the-pooh and Eeyore on them. They were so cute and thought to myself ‘those would be great for a balloon release for Cole and Breanna.’ As I drove to Amy’s mom’s house for the shower I started getting emotional, for seemingly no reason (not that it’s that unusual nowadays) but then I thought about it and realized the date. It was August 16th… Cole and Breanna would have been 38 weeks today. I would have been induced today!!! That’s it, today is the day. I figured when I get home from the shower I’ll pick up those balloons and we’ll do a balloon release. I suddenly felt much better. But then I got worried about what if the store closes, so I called Dug and told him my idea and asked him to pick up the balloons while I was at the shower so that we’d have them ready.

Just before the shower started my friend Becky surprised me with the most amazing gift. She had gotten two stars in the Taurus constellation named after Cole and Breanna. I was so touched by such a thoughtful gesture. And it made the day just that much more special to commemorate Cole and Breanna. I knew this was perfect!

When I got home from the shower Dug had the helium balloons ready and we drove to the cemetery. We pulled out our blanket that we keep in Dug’s trunk for when we have picnics at the cemetery with the kids. We sat down and read the information packages that came with the Stars that Becky had gotten named after Cole and Breanna that she had given to me earlier that day. We told Cole and Breanna all about their stars. Then we wrote messages on their balloons took some pictures and released them. It was so windy, they just took off. Dug had tied the two balloons together so they flew away together. Dug and I stood there, holding each other, watching the balloons until they got so high and so small that we could no longer see them. It was perfect!! The weather was perfect and the sky was clear, which is really amazing because this summer has been so rainy and cloudy. Becky’s gift was perfectly timed and to top it all off we were leaving the next day for 2 weeks in Florida. I was so relieved to have done something special that day to commemorate them and the date had significance. It may not be when we expected them or when they actually came but it was the last possible day for them to have been born and I’m thankful that we did something for that.

Starting a new blog

I've decided to move the location of my blog to here. I started a blog (well more like a collection of essays) back in May after my twins Cole and Breanna passed away. I have found it helpful to sort out my thoughts and theraputic in that it lets me get stuff off my chest. My hope is that I will be able to look back on what I have written and see how far I have come in my grieving. I originally started my blog at WTE (http://www.whattoexpect.com/blogs/dealingwiththelossmytwins/default.aspx) since I was there already on the message boards during my pregnancy and it was one of the first grief and loss message boards I found after they passed away. But I have since realized that there are some problems and limitations with their blog site. First off, it was driving me crazy everytime I went on there to see pictures and advertisements for babies. Second, they added a word limit which was really annoying because the entire point of this is to help me deal with issues and I can't do that if I have to limit what I write. And third, is that I could not post pictures which I love. So here I am starting this new blog and thinking I should probably move all of my old posts here. Oh boy, what a chore!