Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I Hate Doctors

So I have come to the realization that I officially hate doctors. I don’t know why I had put them on this pedestal as ‘those in the know’ when really they know nothing and care about less. Basically through this experience I have found them to be totally insensitive and it sucks. After losing Cole and Breanna I have been to see my fertility doctor, my high risk clinic OB and my GP and none of them can explain why this happened or have even touched me to try and find out why. No ultrasounds, no pap, no checking my cervix, not even a physical...nothing!!!

I didn’t expect much from the fertility doc and he basically said what I figured he would say…. “We’ll see you when you are ready to start trying again.” I thought my OB would have been more hands on but he said there was nothing they know of that caused my water breaking early and it was probably an infection that made Cole come and Breanna just followed. The only information that I got as a type of possible explanation is that my uterus maybe didn't grow fast enough causing Cole's water to break and that it probably wouldn’t have happened if it was a singleton pregnancy. That's it. No tests to follow up or anything. I was shocked. How could they just shrug my loss off like that?

I started wondering ‘what was the point of being registered at the high risk clinic during my pregnancy?’ I had appointments every few weeks but they didn’t do anything. Even under their supervision I still lost Cole and Breanna and they have no explanation for it. I mean what do they DO there other than waste my time? And after my water broke all they would say EVERYDAY was “We’ll just have to wait and see”. Well I waited and saw my babies being born premature and die. How can they not stop that from happening? The OB just shoved us out the door and said ‘we’ll see you when you are pregnant again’. Arggg, I hate that hospital!It’s a baby making factory so if you’re not pregnant they really don’t have time for you.

So I figured my GP would be my best ally in getting to the bottom of this but when I was telling him about how upset I was that no one was checking me or interested in finding out why this happened he responded with "miscarriages happen". Holy shit, did he just call Cole and Breanna a MISCARRIAGE…ARGGGGG! I was so pissed and said "I really hate that you said that... it was not a miscarriage... I gave birth to 2 live babies." He interjected with "but they were preterm" and then went on to say all the things it says in all the pamphlets NOT to say to a grieving parent... like, "you need to move on", "you will get pregnant again", "think of the all the other people that have it worse." Basically have another baby and forget about it!!!! Dug even remembers him referring to what happened as an abortion… wtf? ABORTION… is he asking for a kick in the head? All I was thinking was what kind of f*cking *ss doctor is he?Does he really have a medical degree? I left his office furious and thinking I'm writing this idiot a really nasty letter with a picture of Cole and Breanna saying does this look like a f*cking miscarriage and include a brochure from BFO about what NOT to say to a grieving parent. But… I need to make sure I can find a new doctor first.

So Dug has a friend at work that also had a baby loss a few years ago and suggested that we see his wife’s doctor. She wasn’t really taking new patients but said she’d meet me and consider it. Well when we went to see her we basically got the same shitty insensitive response. She basically said ‘have another baby and you will get over it.’ I was like ‘oh my god, is it possible that I am just crazy?’ I left her office so upset and really starting to doubt myself and all that I have been doing to work through my grief. Have I been wrong? Should be trying to forget what happened? It feels so wrong to ‘forget about it’ and I don’t think I can possibly ‘get over it’. They were my babies, a part of me, a part of my life. I guess they just don’t ‘get it’. I figured because they are doctors they should know and understand but they don’t. I don’t know why I thought they would because really unless you have experienced a perinatal loss you can never understand.

So now I am stuck. We are approaching 3 months since we lost Cole and Breanna and I’m scared it’s too late to find out why this all happened. I don’t want to get pregnant again just to have it happen again and then realize that if they had just run some tests the first time they would have been able to prevent another loss. I keep ‘meeting’ people that have had a preterm baby loss due to incompetent cervix and they say that all they need is a stitch after the first trimester and everything should be fine. What if I need that? Or what if it’s something else just a simple to ‘fix’ but we won’t know because we didn’t check. I’m so scared to try again without knowing why this happened. Help!

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Sharing my babies

I was struggling with an issue and I thought I’d write about it to help me sort out my thoughts again. The problem is that I’ve been so scared to put anything on Facebook regarding losing Cole and Breanna mostly because I never even posted that I was pregnant and thought I would really freak people out if I did. Like “Hi, yes I know you didn’t even know I was pregnant but now they’re dead… have a nice day”. People would thing I was crazy. Plus, everyone else that was pregnant was posting status updates as well as belly and ultrasound pics and for some reason I didn’t. I barely told anyone. I’ve been having a hard time trying to figure out why.

I guess one reason was that I was in denial. In fact for the entire 1st trimester I was in denial. I don’t know how I could have been in denial because I was so nauseous and fatigued the entire time, it’s not like my body wasn’t screaming “I’M PREGNANT!!” but I still was so apprehensive. I thought it was because I had an early pregnancy loss last year and when I made it through the 1st trimester this time I did feel a bit better but I still didn’t really tell anyone.

Another reason I guess was because I was so sick and exhausted (normal pregnancy sick and exhausted) and I wanted to be feeling good and happy when I told people not nauseous and miserable. I was waiting for that pregnancy glow… but it never happened. I remember the first, and one of the only times, I went out with friends when I was pregnant. I was so scared to tell them over lunch that I was pregnant for fear that I was jinxing myself. Dug and I sat across from each other and he was like “are you going to tell them” and I was like “you tell them” and they finally were like “tell us what” so Dug had to announce it. I couldn’t believe it but I actually cried. They were so happy and I was so scared and so not feeling like I wanted to be feeling that I cried. I felt so stupid. I wanted to be healthy and happy when I told people…not miss grouchy pants but the pregnancy hormones were wearing me down I felt awful.

But probably the biggest reason for not telling people was that I was just so scared that if something went wrong I would be so devastated. How would I deal with it and all of these people knowing? I thought it would be easier if I just didn’t tell anyone. Like I was protecting myself from getting too excited and that would stop me from getting attached. But that is just so ridiculous. I was excited and I was attached. From the very second I peed on a stick I was attached. But now that something did go wrong I can't believe how much I wish I had told people so that they would know how much my babies meant to me and I could get their support and understanding. Funny how I was trying to protect myself and now I hurt so much more because I feel guilty and stupid for not telling everyone, like I was trying to hide them. The fact that I didn’t tell people makes it so much harder now to announce that I lost them and that I don’t want to hide them.

(** Note: this is in reference to my old blog site and therefore this was seperated into two posts: Okay so in addition to this blog website being down forever so that I couldn't post anything.... now they have also added a word limit. Probably because people like me ramble on forever. lol. Anyhow, I'll continue....)

I should probably explain for those that don’t know, Facebook is a networking website that EVERYONE around where I live is on. People post pictures, videos, comments, and status updates of what they are doing, join groups, announce events etc. It’s the ultimate way to find out what your “friends”, current and those from a previous life (eg elementary school, camp, etc), are up to. I was on it before I got pregnant and would sometimes spend hours searching for people I know and surfing through friends pages, and friends of friends, friends of friends of friends… eventually looking at pages of people that I had no idea how I got there. I was never really a status updater but I posted pics and wrote on walls, etc. Now that I have lost Cole and Breanna, Facebook has become an amazing tool in helping me meet and connect with others that have had a similar loss and I am on it all of the time, especially since I’m on mat leave and really have nothing else to do. I have joined baby loss groups, become friends with other people that have had a loss, joined their groups in memory of their babies, viewed pictures and videos of their babies and use it daily to keep in touch with my new friends.

So, about a month ago, following the lead of my new friends, I got up the nerve to write something about Cole and Breanna on Facebook for the first time. I had posted a status update about missing them. I posted it after midnight and tossed and turned all night (as usual, I never really get a good sleep anymore) and woke up early the next morning and had to remove my status. I guess I just wasn’t ready … for what I don’t know… but I wasn’t ready. But since then I slowly started adding them to my page. First in round about ways; creating a group for Peek-a-poohs which I have been collecting because they remind me of them, then posting a poem I found which so eloquently described how I felt. I now I have applications that refer to them and written status updates about how I feel.

My new friends have all been extremely supportive and some of my best friends that I have known for years and know about Cole and Breanna have also written me amazing and supportive messages. But, now I’m starting to get messages from people that didn’t know that I was pregnant in reference to what I have posted. I figured this would happen and I’m slowing trying to figure out how to respond. I want to be sensitive to other people’s feelings and especially not freak out anyone that is currently pregnant but I have come to the point where I don’t care. I love my babies and miss them soooo much, I can’t pretend they don’t exist. They have had a major impact on my life and I want to share them with the world. It hurts too much to bottle it up and not show how much they meant to me.

I was so happy when one night over dinner Dug said the same thing. He was telling me that he wished people would ask about Cole and Breanna and that he could talk about them. He wants to show their picture to people and wonders why no one asks to see it but is afraid to just pull it out and say “want to see a picture of my dead babies?” I’ve come to the realization that we are proud parents of beautiful twins and just like any parent, we love to talk about our kids but unfortunately they don’t do anything new so there is nothing to talk about.