Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I Hate Doctors

So I have come to the realization that I officially hate doctors. I don’t know why I had put them on this pedestal as ‘those in the know’ when really they know nothing and care about less. Basically through this experience I have found them to be totally insensitive and it sucks. After losing Cole and Breanna I have been to see my fertility doctor, my high risk clinic OB and my GP and none of them can explain why this happened or have even touched me to try and find out why. No ultrasounds, no pap, no checking my cervix, not even a physical...nothing!!!

I didn’t expect much from the fertility doc and he basically said what I figured he would say…. “We’ll see you when you are ready to start trying again.” I thought my OB would have been more hands on but he said there was nothing they know of that caused my water breaking early and it was probably an infection that made Cole come and Breanna just followed. The only information that I got as a type of possible explanation is that my uterus maybe didn't grow fast enough causing Cole's water to break and that it probably wouldn’t have happened if it was a singleton pregnancy. That's it. No tests to follow up or anything. I was shocked. How could they just shrug my loss off like that?

I started wondering ‘what was the point of being registered at the high risk clinic during my pregnancy?’ I had appointments every few weeks but they didn’t do anything. Even under their supervision I still lost Cole and Breanna and they have no explanation for it. I mean what do they DO there other than waste my time? And after my water broke all they would say EVERYDAY was “We’ll just have to wait and see”. Well I waited and saw my babies being born premature and die. How can they not stop that from happening? The OB just shoved us out the door and said ‘we’ll see you when you are pregnant again’. Arggg, I hate that hospital!It’s a baby making factory so if you’re not pregnant they really don’t have time for you.

So I figured my GP would be my best ally in getting to the bottom of this but when I was telling him about how upset I was that no one was checking me or interested in finding out why this happened he responded with "miscarriages happen". Holy shit, did he just call Cole and Breanna a MISCARRIAGE…ARGGGGG! I was so pissed and said "I really hate that you said that... it was not a miscarriage... I gave birth to 2 live babies." He interjected with "but they were preterm" and then went on to say all the things it says in all the pamphlets NOT to say to a grieving parent... like, "you need to move on", "you will get pregnant again", "think of the all the other people that have it worse." Basically have another baby and forget about it!!!! Dug even remembers him referring to what happened as an abortion… wtf? ABORTION… is he asking for a kick in the head? All I was thinking was what kind of f*cking *ss doctor is he?Does he really have a medical degree? I left his office furious and thinking I'm writing this idiot a really nasty letter with a picture of Cole and Breanna saying does this look like a f*cking miscarriage and include a brochure from BFO about what NOT to say to a grieving parent. But… I need to make sure I can find a new doctor first.

So Dug has a friend at work that also had a baby loss a few years ago and suggested that we see his wife’s doctor. She wasn’t really taking new patients but said she’d meet me and consider it. Well when we went to see her we basically got the same shitty insensitive response. She basically said ‘have another baby and you will get over it.’ I was like ‘oh my god, is it possible that I am just crazy?’ I left her office so upset and really starting to doubt myself and all that I have been doing to work through my grief. Have I been wrong? Should be trying to forget what happened? It feels so wrong to ‘forget about it’ and I don’t think I can possibly ‘get over it’. They were my babies, a part of me, a part of my life. I guess they just don’t ‘get it’. I figured because they are doctors they should know and understand but they don’t. I don’t know why I thought they would because really unless you have experienced a perinatal loss you can never understand.

So now I am stuck. We are approaching 3 months since we lost Cole and Breanna and I’m scared it’s too late to find out why this all happened. I don’t want to get pregnant again just to have it happen again and then realize that if they had just run some tests the first time they would have been able to prevent another loss. I keep ‘meeting’ people that have had a preterm baby loss due to incompetent cervix and they say that all they need is a stitch after the first trimester and everything should be fine. What if I need that? Or what if it’s something else just a simple to ‘fix’ but we won’t know because we didn’t check. I’m so scared to try again without knowing why this happened. Help!

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