Under the Tree - February

Well, it has been a really long time since I have blogged and today I literally spent the entire day reading blogs (and crying) and thinking about Cole and Breanna and their first angelversary which is fast approaching. At one point I came across a blog http://scarletriver26.blogspot.com/2009/02/tree.html created by another greiving mommy where she is trying to get mommies of angels together to share their thoughts and feelings. At the end of every month she posts some questions that everyone answers on their blog and to create a network of support. I think I'm going to try and do this every month so that I am sharing my thoughts and feelings regularly instead of just bottling it all up. So I'm two months behind and will start from the beginning with the February questions.

1) How long have you been blogging for? Why did you start? What do you want from writing?
I started blogging in May 2008 just after my twins Cole and Breanna were born premature and subsequently did not survive. I spent the first few weeks in utter shock and disbelief and spent my days surfing the web looking for ..... I don't know what.... but something to help me with my grief and get through this emense pain. I found several message boards for people that have had a loss and found comfort and support there. Soon after I realized that I wanted to keep a record of my journey and discovered blogging. Unforunately, as soon as I started back to work I no longer had the time or energy to continue writing. I always wanted to because I found it so helpful and healing to write out my feelings but I just didn't, which I totally regret because SOOO much has happened. Anyhow, recently as Cole and Breanna's 1st angelversary approaches I have been feeling overwhelming saddness and thus spent the entire day reverting back to the first days after they died, staring blankly at my computer, surfing the internet and looking for something.... again I don't know what but I'm hoping I have found it.

2) Where is safest place for you to share your feelings? Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling?
The best resource I found to share my feelings was the SHARE http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/ message board and chat room. But like my blog, once I was back at work I no longer had endless hours to surf and read people's messages. Instead I found some email lists for people that have suffered loss of mulitples called LAMBs. I read most of the emails but rarely respond. I also found several groups on Facebook that I have found helpful. But I have found the most comfort from meeting and getting to know actual people in my area that have also had a loss. Natasha, Jane, and Nicola have become my lifeline. They understand me and are willing to listen and I would do anything for them aswell.

3) Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in?
The first books I read were Empty Cradle, Broken Heart which Natasha lent me and Loving and Letting Go which Jane lent me. They both really helped me deal with my loss and some major issues I was dealing with especially when I hit a huge regret spiral 6 weeks after the loss. Another book I read more recently which I really liked was Second Chance by Jane Green. It's about a group of friends that deal with the sudden death of a friend. It had nothing to do with baby loss but for some reason it really helped me to see how other people deal with greif and that I was not going crazy.

4) How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby? How have you changed, who are you today?
I certainly was naive about pregnancy. I knew that I could miscarry in the 1st trimester, but after that I figured everything would be fine and especially after I passed the half way mark I never imagined that life could take such a dramtic turn for the worse. I had such a tough and long road of fertility treatments to get pregnant that I figured that once we passed that obsitcale we would be fine. I also was quite outgoing and an extrovert.
Now I would say that I am much more nervous and anxious about what the future holds for me. I avoid new people and most social situtations. The one positive is that I am certainly more compasionate towards others. I listen more and I realize now how painful losing someone, anyone that you love is. I am now much more determined to give back and help others. I am trying to start a memory box program in my area to help other's who experience a loss by giving them items to help them create and save memories with their baby. http://www.memory-boxes.webs.com/

5) How do you think you are coping? Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now? Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time?
I think I am coping okay.... although I had a major melt down at halloween and I had to be put on antidepressants. Since then was coping fairly well until this past week. As Cole and Breanna's 1st angelversary approaches I'm starting to feel more emotional and anxious of what the next few weeks have in store. I was hoping to be pregnant again by now but that is not the case. And to add insult to injury, several mommies of angels that I have met in person and through facebook and several other freinds and aquintances are pregnant and some have even had their babies. I am certainly happy for them but I really wish my time would come soon. I haven't reached the point of utter desperation and hopelessness that I experienced in October, but I certainly am starting to get frustrated. I feel like I have dealt with my loss and done my grieving and now I'm ready to move forward. Like my bog title says.... Life continues but we will never forget. So I'm ready for life to continue. Only time will tell.