Saturday, April 25, 2009

Under the Tree - March

I am trying to catch up on my responses to Under the Tree so here we go for March.

1) Do you have a special place in your home for your baby/ies? What is it like? Do you have any rituals that you perform in memory of your baby/ies?
The first place of rememberenace where I think about and feel close to my babies is at the cemetary. We don't have a grave stone yet but a wonderful friend of mine, Jane, made two stones with Cole and Breanna's names and we have placed them there. During the months following their deaths my husband and I would go weekly to visit and sometimes bring a blanket and have a little family picnic there. But then winter came and we haven't done that in a while. I hope that we restart that again now that the weather is nicer.
Another special place of rememberance is a garden box my husband and I built and planted some beautiful flowers in last summer in our backyard. I just finished planting some new flowers today and look forward to seeing them grow. Purple and yellow flowers seem to be the most prominent colours which represent Winnie the Pooh and Eeyore.
As for rituals the one that comes to mind right now is my obsession with anything Winnie the Pooh and Eeyore. We had decorated their room with a Winnie the Pooh theme and then the day before their burial we went out and bought them some gifts to be buried with and we were drawn to these Winnie the pooh and Eeyore stuffed animals, and now it has become our symbol for them. Soon after their passing I discoverd Peek a Poohs, cute little Winnie the Pooh charms with interchangeable costumes, and now my collection is huge!

2) If you believe in an afterlife, do you receive signs from your baby/ies? Have you ever felt their pressence? Do you find them in nature? Do they visit you in your dreams?
I really wish they would visit me in my dreams but I have not gotten much sleep in the past year so it has not happened yet. One thing we did do a few months after they died was that we saw a psychic. I just needed to know that they were alright and the psychic put my mind at ease. Although nothing she said has come true (I was supposed to get pregnant really soon), it helped at the time and it was what I needed then and I'm very glad we did it.
As for finding them in nature.... I often think of Cole when I see butteflies. They flutter about all curious like and checking out the world much like how I feel about Cole. He was so eager to get out and see what the world had to offer. It brings a smile to my face whenever I see a butterfly but then I feel guilty because I feel like I'm only focussing on Cole and leaving Breanna out. (This has been a huge issue I have been struggling with for months and it warrants its own blog post some day.)

3) Do you have a special poem, song, prayer or quote in memory of your baby/ies?
I find music so powerful in guiding my emotions and have found several songs that I connect with and express how I feel. But I have two songs in particular that remind me of my babies.
Even before I was pregnant I remember listening to the song Childhood dreams by Nelly Furtado and could not wait to have a son, a "little boy made for me in the stars". Cole was that little boy made for me in the stars and whenever I here this song I think of him.
Breanna's song is completely different. When she was born I could not believe how absolutley adorable she was, like a little china doll. As I held her tight I sang to her quietly You are so beautiful to me, and that song will always be Breanna's song for me.

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