Sunday, May 25, 2008

Belated Mother's Day

Mother’s day this year pretty much went unnoticed and I was a bit upset and surprised about that but had no idea how to even approach the subject. I knew that Dug knew mother’s day was approaching because he mentioned that we had to send his mom her birthday and mother’s day gifts soon but I didn’t really know what he was thinking in regards to me. Anyhow, mother’s day came and went and nothing. Even an entire week went by and nothing. Well, a week and a half later, this past Wednesday afternoon, we went to the BFO office to meet with a lady, Debra Davidson, to talk about our loss and get us connected with a grief group. At the meeting we talked about our story and how we were feeling. At one point she asked how mother’s day went and I just looked at Dug and we both responded that we ignored it and left it at that. Later that day, as Dug and I walked through the mall looking for a birthday gift for a friend I realized that I was really upset about this mother’s day issue and wanted to bring it up but didn’t know what to say. I started tearing up because it was really bothering me but at the same time I didn't want to upset him or have him feel guilty. I mean I wasn’t really sure if I was even entitled to celebrate mother’s day. Was I a mother? Did HE think I was a mother? Dug noticed I was crying and said what’s wrong and I just blurted out “Don’t get mad but I just want to know why you didn’t get me anything for mother’s day?” Not that I wanted a present, but a card or a gesture to show me that he felt I was a mother was what I really needed to feel validated. Well, he was quiet for a moment after I asked and I could tell that he was surprised by my question, especially as it may have seemed to him to come out of the blue. I think that I made him feel guilty and uncomfortable like he had failed me and I felt so horrible that I had made him feel that way. He finally responded that at the time of mother's day he didn't want to make me feel worse so he just ignored it. He then reminded me that he always got me stuff for mother's day from our Dog and Cat, Lacey and Miss C, and that this year he had planned on getting me a video camera. I had mentioned I wanted to get one so that we could tape the birth of our children and all the wonderful things they would do as they grew up, but after what had happened he thought the gift would just make me more upset and remind me of all the things we would miss out on now. Finally, and most importantly, he said that he DID think I was a mother and was sorry if he hurt my feelings by not acknowledging that. I felt somewhat comforted and understood his reasoning but also sad that I had made him feel guilty and made him feel like he had let me down.
The next day, when I got back from my morning meeting at the BFO with Debra and two other grieving mommies I was surprised. There it was, on the kitchen counter, a big Winnie-the-pooh gift bag and an envelope leaning against it that said Mommy. The card read “Mommy, happy Mothers Day!! Sorry this is late but you know Daddy he’s a bit slow. We love you so much mommy and we are thinking of you. Love Forever, Breanna, Cole, Lacey and Miss C”. I cried so hard when I read the card. It meant so much to me. I was finally validated. I AM a mommy. In the bag he had bought me two little stuffed animals; a little Winnie-the-pooh and a little Eeyore, the same ones we bought for Cole and Breanna to go in their casket. They were the perfect gift and memento of my little angels. I felt bad that my little break down the day before made him get up early, run to the store and get me a gift before I got back from my meeting, just to make me happy but at the same time I felt so lucky to have such a wonderful husband that would do that for me. I realized that he would do anything to make me happy and that I just have to be more open about how I feel so that he knows how to help me. It felt like such a hard subject to bring up but in the end it was easy to talk about and I feel so much better now. And best of all I think I finally have a good idea of something to get for him for father's day.

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