Tuesday, May 20, 2008

TTC in August?

I was due in August and the bereavement books said that you should wait 6 months before trying to conceive which would be November but I went to see our fertility doc last week (who was shocked to see us, not having known what had happened... the clinic just gets you pregnant and through your first trimester and then ships you off to an OB and seeing as everything was perfect and best case scenario he figured he'd never see us again). Anyhow, he said we could start trying again in August. As soon as he said that I was soooo excited and felt ready!!! He said that because I didn’t go full term, there is no reason medically to wait that long. But what if I'm rushing into trying to get pregnant again too soon... not physically but emotionally. I feel like I've been handling my grief okay but I've been off work and not really seeing anyone. And a get together we went to this weekend was disastrous. Here’s what happened.

We were invited to a potluck-bbq-get together at a friend’s house (Susan and Alan) for another friend’s (Geoff) bday on Saturday. We are very close with all three of them, Susan was my matron of honour at my wedding and Geoff was a groomsman, and the 5 of us always get together but Susan mentioned that other people that went on this trip with Geoff and them would be there too but we didn’t think anything of it and figured it would be fine. We got there early and it was just the 5 of us. Things were normal. Then another couple showed up and I was okay. The girl said we had met once before at her stagette that I apparently went to. We made small talk as we got our potluck items prepared. Then another couple arrived that I did not know and they brought their baby with them. OH MY GOD… I froze with a fake smile on my face for about 2 minutes, not speaking or making eye contact with anyone. But I just couldn’t hold it in and I ran off to the bathroom and tried to pull myself together. As I got out of the bathroom I ran into another girl that just arrived that I had met many times at Susan’s get-togethers. I don’t think she knew about our loss or even that I was pregnant because I had not seen her in months. I tried to make small talk and ask her about the trip they all went on but I just could not concentrate on the conversation. Everyone around us was talking about and passing around the baby and the first girl that arrived was talking about her baby that was being baby sat by her mom because she was sick with a cold. Then another couple I didn’t know walked in the door and that was it. It was too much. I could not take it. I grabbed my purse and my coat and walked out. It was nice out so I thought I’d just take a little walk, collect myself and be fine. But then I thought about my poor husband that I had just left sitting there. Was he just as uncomfortable as I was? How was I going to save him? I took out my cell and called him on his cell. All I said is “I’m outside” and he said “I’ll be right there”. When he caught up to me down the street I felt so stupid that I could not hold it together for some silly get-together. There was just too many people that I didn’t know and I was worried that in making small talk someone would innocently ask me about kids and I would make everyone uncomfortable. Anyhow, Dug said that if I was uncomfortable that Susan would understand if we just left, so we did. When we got home Dug called Susan and apologized for leaving so abruptly, told her where we had left Geoff’s bday gift and that we’d pick up the stuff we left behind the next time we got together.

So now I’m wondering if all this time that I’m just staying home (since we have both been off work since I gave birth) and running errands with just my husband is actually helping me grieve or am I deluding myself into believing that I’m dealing with my loss when all I’m actually doing is hiding out. I mean I don’t feel like I’m hiding out. I have been out of the house, gone shopping at the mall and gone to the grocery store and been to the doctors. But I’m always with my husband, just the two of us. We don’t seem to be doing anything with anyone else. Am I just scared to see other people because I make them sad? Do I just want to TTC as early as possible to fill the void? To have something positive to talk about so that we’re not the depressing couple that everyone has to tip toe around? We could say "it's okay, we're already expecting again and are thrilled" I would love to start in August because then I could start the school year pregnant and not be so depressed. When people (and especially my students) see me for the first time in September and give me that “I’m so sorry sad face” I’ll already know that I’m on my way to having a baby and I won’t be so sad. I kind of did that the last time. I had an ectopic that they got rid of with a methotrexate shot at 8 weeks in the first week of July 2007. At our last fertility attempt in November 2007 I was DESPERATE to get pregnant this time. It would be that last chance for the year and I really wanted to be pregnant in January, when my first pregnancy would have been due. I felt that would not make me so sad about the loss. So at the last minute we did IUI for that extra chance of getting pregnant… and it worked!!! I got pregnant with twins and the due date of the first baby went by without a tear. I was too excited about my new babies which were doing really well and were past the point where I lost the first one.

But I’m also worried that August might be a really hard month for me emotionally because that was the expected due date for my twins. And losing them was so much harder than the first. I actually gave birth to them, held them, have pictures of them, named them and buried them. Their due date can’t possibly go unnoticed like that of the last. Maybe I should wait until September but then I have to deal with the sad faces at school and I’m not getting any younger. I’m already 35 and every month that goes by make my chances of complications higher and higher.

I find myself wishing for what I always wished for when I was younger. I just want to see a snap shot of my life when I am older so that I know that everything will be okay. Show me a picture from the future of me and my husband and our kid(s) in front of our house with our pets with everyone happy, healthy and smiling so that I know that in the end it will all work out. If I had the guarantee that in the end it will all work out then I’ll be okay with whatever sh!t life throws at me along the way. Where’s my time machine? :)

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